I'm not a rock 8/5/11

Simon & Garfunkel – I Am A Rock
  This mornings Ensure Plus was not the source of comfort that I have grown to enjoy. The barbed wire attendant at the top of my esophagus is a diabolical toll booth operator. Sure you can proceed, but you must pay. The toll is pain, and the toll is taking a toll.

   Some may be aware that, in my day I could rapidly consume liquids. I had a gift, an avocation really. Tomorrow I may shotgun my Ensure Plus. If you're not sure what that is, ask any college student. Shotgunning - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
With all the attention on my throat, I almost forget about the other side effects. The permanent face peal, the bubbling scalp, and the neurological dilemmas. Almost.

   "A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries".  That is surely not my story. Tears are certainly part of this process for me. My tear ducts seem to picking up the slack left by the absence of my salivary glands. I wake up in pain, and tear up for waking up. I don't want to be awake. It hurts when I'm awake.

   Now I know some of you are screaming "Jesus Tim take the painkillers". "It will be OK, that's what they're for". There I said it, I am afraid to start on the painkillers. They prescribed a lovely liquid oxycodone(feeding tube friendly). Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb The narcotic will separate me from the pain. The big problem is that it also separates me from my God, and my sense of reality. It separates me from you. I've detoxed off of narcotics 4 times in the last 8 weeks. I know how this experience feels. I'm not in a hurry to begin that process again, just yet. I will at some point put the monkey on my back, but not today. I do not want to be an Island!

   I know there are people out there who have real problems, but this is not their blog. Today, in spite of how I feel physically, I will have a good attitude at treatment. I will see what I can contribute. I will try not to be selfish and self-centered. I will ask God for the courage, and faith to do His will. I will love my life!

   Sorry for the musical selections, but I want to be as honest as possible. I couldn't access Warren Zevon's song, My Shit's F#@&^# up. If you have it listen to it, and forward it to me. Enjoy, my sick and twisted friends!
Let's F...ing Go!
TJH

 The Philadelphia Orchestra – Ride Of The Valkyries from Die Walkure
Lynyrd Skynyrd – That Smell - Criteria Studios Original Album Version
Dave Edmunds – Crawling From The Wreckage