Looking for miracles 8/29/11

   I am not required to be at any treatment office this morning. I am not expected to have a topical cream covered with Press'n Seal - Glad to keep my port numb until injection. I do not have to go out in the 110 degree heat in a stylish floppy hat to sit in a recliner with poison dripping into my vein. These are all very good things, but not miracles. The miracle is that these events were possible in my lifetime. The miracle is that I have been in a position to receive the benefit of the efforts of many others. People who were looking for a solution to my kind of stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma, originating from the left tonsilar pillar, and spreading into 4 of 14 lymph nodes on the left side of my neck. Thank God.

   My neck is burnt, and my throat is "fall off the bone" done. The fact is that I will not feel the full effects of my last treatment until this Friday. The cumulative effect has been explained ad nauseum. What I must continue to consider is that there is also the cumulative effect of the solution.
 
   Some of my spiritual advisors were at the house yesterday. I shared with them that I was not feeling particularly whole. I feel as if I am unable to help. Again I find myself powerless(but not hopeless). I have been assured that the Power I need is all around me, is flowing to me, is being delivered through me, and is available as needed. All I need to do is tap into the Power. Now that is a miracle.Beethoven – Moonlight Sonata: Adagio Sostenuto

   I showed my friends my radiation mask and explained the process. I assured them that I, on my own, was incapable of lying motionless, and silent for 20 minutes. Especially with my head bolted to the table, unable to blink, or smile.
   I love Jeff Beck's work on People Get Ready. I saw him and Stevie Ray Vaughn one time, and Beck blew SRV off the stage. Not even close, and SRV was no slouch! Bruce Hornsby – The Way It Is
Bruce Hornsby – Mandolin Rain
Jeff Beck and Rod Stewart;Jeff Beck & Rod Stewart – People Get Ready ( With Rod Stewart)

   Last week both of my oncologists gave me what I would consider very optimistic, and bold (miraculous?) prognoses (plural for prognosis). I did not expect to hear the word "cured" used in conjunction with my cancer. I did not expect the evaluation of my treatment to be described as close to "perfect". I expected them both to hand out a canned CYA statement that gave cause for concern, with a side of optimism. The statement I received was a matter of fact assurance. I had the Medical oncologist repeat himself 3 times, just to make sure Beth was hearing the same information. I was somewhat shocked, and didn't cry until later.The Royal Beethoven Symphony – Symphony Nº 9 Op.125 In D Mino - Presto Allegro Assi

   The existence of miracles is not for me to dispute, or accept. My job is to be in a position to recognize, and appreciate these events, and not take them for granted. Many times I can be more observant of the manifestation of Good in the lives of others than I can in my own life. Why must I be so shortsighted? XTC – Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead

Enjoying my free morning talking to TJ in Germany, who insists that Uncle Terry should break a call off to him in Germany. Terry seems to think that TJ should be calling Rocky River. I spoke with Kevin, whose on his way back to Boston from Tahoe. I am grateful to be able to stay in contact with all of you.

Kate and Maggie are reminding me to wear life like a loose garment!

   My digestive difficulties are needing some attention. We are officially off the anti biotic. I have a craving for fish, and Caren just dropped off some Mahi Mahi. I'm not sure when Steven caught these filets, but I'm looking forward to trying some this afternoon. The Medical oncologist requested bloodwork tomorrow morning, so my buddy Bart is going to pick me up at 8:15. I am trying my best to help with my nutritional health, but the food just doesn't want to cooperate. They want me to ingest more of the canned supplement via the tube, as it has a fiber content greater than the Ensure Plus®.

Thank's for watching,

TJH

Pooh Corner: I'm somewhat incontinent 8/27/11

Kenny Loggins – Return To Pooh Corner
   Some of the less comfortable side effects seem to be attacking me in my sleep. My best guess is that my aggressive attempt to maintain my nutrition levels with a steady intake of liquids is having some unforeseen ramifications. I will try to get some complex carbohydrates in my system today, and combine it with some imodium. Warren Zevon - My Shit's Fucked Up

   In the grand scheme of things, my current obstacle is better than some of the other side effects I've encountered. Lack of power is clearly my dilemma. I want to control everything, and that just is not possible. My Radiation oncologist reminded me that the special treatments that I bravely endured this week would not be felt until Thursday, or Friday of next week. Great News! I can hardly wait. Sarah McLachlan – The Rainbow Connection

   I had a tenant call last night to inform me that her A/C went out. Not a good problem when it is 115 degrees outside. It gave me a chance to think about others. I had an A/C guy at her place within an hour, and a new unit will be installed today. Life goes on. Thank goodness.

   I hope that my people on the East Coast stay on the safe-side of Irene. She looks like a real bad woman. – Goo Goo Dolls - American Girl I was at a beach-house in Stone Harbor on August 9, 1976. State Troopers encouraged us to evacuate to avoid Hurricane Belle. Bobby G. tied his VW to a telephone pole. We declined their suggestion, and promised to stay safe. I remember sitting on a big screened-in porch with about 8 friends, just watching the hurricane. We were mesmerized(stoned) with a stack of plywood that started to dance. As the top piece of plywood was lifted about 15 feet in the air, and suddenly impaled itself into the side of the neighbors home(about neck high), we grabbed the keg, and moved to an interior location.

   I love my life!
   My skinny clothes are loose on me? WTF? You can't make this stuff up!
   Play!Grateful Dead – Ripple
         Don Henley – The Heart Of The Matter

TJH

Last Shot: Make it a good one! 8/26/11

   I didn't sleep much last night, probably too much radiation. Looking forward to today's treatment, and suffering the cumulative effects of my last treatment. Getting picked up by Shannon this morning for an early 8am treatment. I'm glad Shannon finally gets a chance to bring me to treatment. They wanted some extra time, they got it. My bed is made, my prayers are said, I'm ready to go. REO Speedwagon – Riding The Storm Out I have been preparing for this moment my entire life. I am here to experience this aspect of life. My preconceived notions have been replaced by real life experience, or wisdom.
 
   My opportunity today is to find ways to transition this seemingly bad situation, without too much scarring. I get to look for the manifestation of God in my life. The hurricane is here, am I adequately prepared?

   They had me for a solid 25 minutes. There was a congratulatory message on the overhead monitor. They held off on the confetti and parade, but they did send me off with some lovely parting gifts(a keychain & a piece of candy), and my mask. Bidding starts at $30/ mask. The Doctor gave me a very optimistic prognosis. He said that I withstood the treatment better than 90% of his patients. I retained my voice, and nutrition levels better than most patients. He said that he believes that the likelihood of a recurrence of head or neck cancer to be between 15-30%.

Van Morrison – Days Like This
 – Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
The Doors – Riders On The Storm - New Stereo Mix Advanced Resolution
Neil Young – Like A Hurricane

   I want to thank you all for being a part of this process, I'm a better human for having you in my life. There was a woman in the waiting room this morning who was going in for her first treatment. I hope that she was encouraged by my healthy, happy departure. I hope that she was less frightened, and more determined; less despondent, and more hopeful. I am blessed.
Thanks Again!
TJH

Time slips away 8/25/11

Willie Nelson – Medley-Funny,Crazy,Night
   The treatment ends tomorrow. What just happened to me? Where did that 12 week block go? I don't want it back, I am just curious as to where it went. Seems almost dreamlike. How can I reconcile reality from fiction? I know that I am changed, my perspective has been altered. I am determined to make the best of this situation, but I'm not sure what that is going to look like. How do I proceed? The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army

   They got the full value of my treatment time this morning. They gave me some extra special directional therapy. I felt it in my teeth & jaw. Go ahead hit me with whatever you got, I only have one more day to endure this destruction. My metabolism has adjusted, my mindset regarding this process has hardened to allow me to withstand the ass kicking. I had a layer of my throat(just some surface flesh) slide down the drain this morning in the shower. I just calmly removed the drain strainer and let it hit the pipes. The blood stopped relatively quickly, and I didn't even get light headed. I am going to withstand this process. No drama, no freakout, no problem, let's go!  Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Lost In The Flood

    I find it difficult to adequately express my will to live. I do not want to be snuffed out by some shitty little micro-organism. Sure cancer is a bad assed killer, but I am not willing to concede my position until all the cards are played. I have plenty of hopes, and dreams that I fully expect to experience. I am going to live my life as if I am cancer free. I am not going to pretend that the cancer is just hiding out, and will return at the worst possible time. I am cancer free until they tell me otherwise. The PET scan will not occur until November, so my job between now and then is to begin healing. Let the healing begin.
What a nice day!
Today's Playlist
Zevon, Warren – Roland the Headless Thompson G
Gin Blossoms – Follow You Down
Outkast – Hey Ya
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Cover Me - Live
Creedence Clearwater Revival – I Heard It Through The Grapevine - Single Version
TJH  
 

 

No treatment on the weekend! 8/21-24/11

   I feel pretty good today(Sunday). Beth brought me some hot chocolate this morning, and it seemed to agree with me pretty well. We are being fairly conscientious with regard to the intake of calories. Here at the homestretch is no time to lose sight of the little things that keep me able to stay in the race. My voice is much stronger in the morning. I actually knocked out a Happy Birthday to my niece Maura, age 22. When I spoke to her later in the morning, my voice was stronger than hers.

   I had some friends over yesterday, and they cleaned my garage. They wanted to help,  they had been really consistent about wanting to participate. They like the way it feels to be of service to others. They like the "bump" they get when they give service. I know the feeling. I'm grateful for their insistence, and grateful for my ability to allow them to participate. Lucinda Williams – Are You Alright?

   Some emotional up, and downs this week. I've been so focussed on getting through treatment that I haven't given much serious thought to what happens next? Do I just sit around and wonder if they got rid of the cancer? Is there a special blood test? Who takes out the feeding tube? What about this handy port? How about a PET scan? Does anybody want 5 cases of (out of network) supplement? I have a ton of questions. Hopefully this week will bring some answers. My head swims with questions.Johnny Cash – Cry Cry Cry

   The medical oncologist seemed optimistic, he'll see me September 19, and will order a pet scan for some time in November. He will also send a request to have the feeding tube removed. The radiation oncologist will monitor me monthly, and I will continue to get blood tested weekly. They both assured me that I will probably feel crappy for the next few months. I can begin tapering off the pain killers within the next 3 weeks.Joe Strummer – Redemption Song

   I just need to make it through 2 more radiation treatments, the rest will take care of itself. How do I know if they got it all? Am I in remission? Is it(the cancer) in remission? I feel crappy today, does that count towards the next few weeks? There seem to be more questions, than answers. I think I will try to stay in the moment, and not get too far ahead, or behind.
Thanks for everything.
Let's Go!
TJH

Social Distortion 8/19/11

   I've had a pretty good run. One week to go with my treatments. The nutritional hurdles are becoming more severe. The food that I ingest is not staying settled. The nutrition taken via my tube is also having a hard time finding comfort.  I can't complain about my current set of circumstances, I(my God & I) have the resources to deal with all of the problems that are in my life. I have the anti-nausea medicine that refuses to dissolve under my tongue. I have been breaking the pill in half, and disolving it in my mouth with water, and then swallowing. Genious, I know, but now the swallowing is just about off the table. No problem I will just use this fabulous anti-nausea gel, that doesn't require dissolving, HaHa! Wait how am I supposed to ingest a gel? It'll clog up my feeding tube! I can't afford to clog my tube at this point. Drat! Not to worry my friends, I'll just get some www.zuplenz.com.   Social Distortion – It Coulda Been Me It just dissolved right on my tongue,  and left a refreshing taste in my mouth.

   I have wonderful friends who can't wait to take me to Home-The Salt Cellar Restaurant-Seafood Restaurant-Scottsdale, AZ when my taste buds resurface. But in the mean time I am strictly a casual diner. My table manners leave a lot to be desired. We do need to have access to a sink and a flat surface with some paper towels. The 60cc syringe is the largest they carry locally. Some of the noises are not conducive to polite dinner conversation. I'ts like eating with Ruprect - YouTube the monkey boy. Omar and The Howlers – Black Bottom

   I'm going down, and it's alright, let's go. Freddie King – Going Down Freddie King will bring me all the way down, and back again. I love the way he does his thing.

   Beth is completely powerless over my disease. She wants to make it better, easier, less painful, gone. Boy I wish she could. It makes me sad to see her struggle through this. She holds it(us) together like a trooper. She tries to anticipate my needs, and is willing to put my situation ahead of everything. She wakes early to go to work 3:30am today. I got up, and said my prayers, and drank a nutritious 375 calorie Ensure Plus, had some medicine, and landed right back in bed, just as she headed out the door. I woke up again at 6:30am, and rushed to the commode. One of the unfortunate side effects of the nausea, is that it comes on without any reasonable lead time. Sprint! There have been some great advances in the field of vomit. There are new blue receptacles that have replaced the old bags.Cardinal Health:Centurion® Brand EME-BAG® Emesis Bag. I highly recommend these, don't settle for imitations.Social Distortion – Ring Of Fire, Social Distortion – Sick Boys
   I have promised to report any of my medical difficulties to Beth as soon as possible. We are in this together, and I have to let her in on my condition, even if I know it will disturb her. I mean full disclosure, nosebleeds, blisters, constipation, vertigo, or insomnia. She is all in, and I have a great partner. She is concerned about my recent inability to swallow, and hold down food. Caren brought me a vanilla shake this morning, which I was able to hold down. I hit 173 today which is a number not seen on my scale since 1976. I have never even set a goal of 173. Why do I still have a gut? Social Distortion – Story Of My Life

   Thank you for all of the positive feedback. People have been stopping by to wish me well, and it humbles me that you are willing to take time out of your day to think of me. Thank you! I'm looking forward to all of the book, TV, and movie deals that are anticipated by many of you. Let me know if you have any contacts, or publishing opportunities. I really do enjoy writing, and getting your input is very encouraging. You may be creating a monster, watch out! A Flock Of Seagulls – Space Age Love Song, Tom Waits, Thin Lizzy – Whisky In The Jar

   As I enter the final week of my Radiation, and Erbitux treatment regimen, I am acutely aware that this is just the end of a treatment protocol. It is the beginning of a time for my body to continue to be destroyed, fight, and begin to recover. To this point I am aware that I have been blessed to be able to withstand the treatment regimen. I have seen people at the oncology center who have not been as fortunate. The truth is that I have been blessed with all of the faith love, support, and optimism required to endure this trauma. Much of what I need is intangible.  I have been willing to walk the path. I've been willing to ask for, and accept help.Thin Lizzy – Cowboy Song - BBC Session 12/02/76

   I have some friends coming over tomorrow morning to help around the house. They have offered to clean my garage, they want to help. They want to participate, they want to contribute. They are a part of my life, and they want to let me know that I am a part of theirs. I am looking forward to seeing them. Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town - Alt Vocal Re-mix Version

   Beth and I are meeting with Mom on Sunday morning in Sun Lakes. We usually have breakfast, but Ruprect doesn't have much of an appetite these days. It just feels good to get out of the house. I hope I can make the trip.

Good morning Malaysia
Much Love!
TJH
 

They are getting very serious about this radiation thing 8/17/11

   Seems like the protocol just shifted into some super high gear. The radiation process required me being fitted for a new slim fitting mask(I usually wear a Husky). I lost several ounces of facial weight. I thought that we were proceeding very rapidly, until this morning's session. The pace seemed aggressive, I guess I was wrong again. So much for getting into a comfortable groove. I was ready to just maintain my current pace, and hit the finish line at a steady pace.The Moody Blues – Nights In White Satin - Single Edit

   There was a lovely older woman who was shoehorned ahead of me this past week. She was basically shoved ahead of me into "my" spot. I'm not saying that this didn't bother me, because it did. I was pissed. Sorry I didn't mention it earlier. I'm glad I didn't say something offensive. I was thinking offensive things. I was here first, she should get her ass into line behind me. Today I found out that she got bumped to the afternoon slot, because they needed more time with me. Well that's good news I guess. They are finally figuring out that I am kind of a big deal.

   I felt the radiation in my teeth. I'm sure that's good luck in radiation circles. The aim pattern changed. It normally goes 3 steady passes from one side of my throat to the other. The time is less than 15 minutes. Today we did one full pass, and then a stationary bombardment directed at the left side of my throat which lasted just short of forever. Today there was new irritation, and a noticeable uptick in pain and swelling. I feel the burn. Cream – I Feel Free

   I am looking forward to tomorrows treatment.Procol Harum – A Whiter Shade Of Pale I will show up and take my beating. I only have 7 more of these to enjoy. I just get to offer these babies up to my "special intention". I feel that my cancer has really exposed some of my retrogressive tendencies. Some of my "old ideas" have been exposed in a fairly public forum. I have taken comfort in many of my old beliefs. They have provided me an opportunity to reconcile the man I was, with the man I am today, and the man I am becoming. The Supremes – The Happening - Album Version (Stereo)

   Take your pick, I prefer the original by the composer, seems like he had a sense of humor.
John Stewart – Daydream Believer
Anne Murray – Daydream Believer (Feat. Nelly Furtado)
The Monkees – Daydream Believer
Susan Boyle – Daydream Believer

Mayor of Simpleton8/17/11

XTC – Mayor Of Simpleton
   I am the master of my domain. I have the ability to follow the rules, and regulations established, and enforced by me. I also can let my own lack of discipline prevent me from doing what should be done. I am a shut in. I am one of those people who I used to pray for at Mass. We had people from the parrish who would go out to visit the "shut-ins". I would have prayed harder for "them" if I would have known I was going to be one of "them".

   I am a person who lives outreach. This illness has limited the amount of outreach that I am physically able to perform. No jail visits, no inpatient or outpatient centers, no large gatherings, or hospital sessions. I have to maintain a healthy respect for my immune system. If I take it for granted the consequences may be deadly. I'll continue to do what I can, within reason.

   That continues to leave me with me. It is becoming very apparent that of myself I am nothing. Left to my own devices... When my spiritual experience is adjusted without my prior written consent, I tend to react poorly. XTC – Dear God I place limitations on the Power. Stealers Wheel – Stuck In The Middle With You I put handcuffs on the Power, then I wonder why I feel ready for an "I love me sweater"(straight jacket). INXS – Devil Inside

   As a practicing shut in I have found that my mind tends to wander. Booker T. & The MG's – Green Onions I meditate each day, and find some time to occupy the present. During the course of each day I spend a great deal of time hoping the treatments would be finished. Hoping that I survive tomorrows strategic bombing. We have completed the carpet bombing phase of our attack strategy. We've degraded the throat adequately, and are now doing surgical strikes to the last known locations of the cancer. They changed the protocol to focus on specific locations. They've also upgraded the velocity, duration, and ferocity of the radiation. I felt the change in my teeth(left incisor). The new attack will require me to stay as healthy as possible, and to lie as quietly as possible. The new mask is ready for a test drive, the old mask is to be retired. I now will have 2 masks available to auction. I fully expect to receive some serious bids from Malaysia(I'm huge in Malysia). The Academy Allstars – Misirlou

   I know that I just need to get through this day, and that tomorrow will take care of itself. Let me be patient prior to its arrival. Screw that, lets dance!
David Bowie – Let's Dance
Let's Dance!
TJH

Say AHHHH...EEEEEHH 8/16/11

   Had camera/scope inserted up my nostril, and down into my throat. I've lost so much weight that I had to have a new mask made today. The view down my throat is obstructed by my damaged, and swollen esophagus. No problem, we'll just snake this scope up your nostril, and get a great view. In spite of the awkward scope being inserted, I was still able to keep decent pitch when asked to AHHH & EEEH. It was kind of a nasally duet with my Doctor. He didn't seem overly impressed.Christy Moore – Lisdoonvarna

   The mask fitting was necessitated by my weight loss. I am currently down about 25 pounds and flirting with 175. We did a new CT scan, and fitted for a new mask. It is amazing how the weight loss changed the fit on the mask. The Doctor superimposed the original Radiation treatments over todays treatment, and you can see a noticeable difference in the size of my face, and neck.Steve Earle – The Galway Girl

   I had my 6th of 7 Erbitux treatments today, and I'm not going to miss that procedure one bit. It wiped me out for the rest of the day. Since I have a new mask, the Doctor is reformulating the rest of my radiation treatments. He is going to add some duration, and ferocity to the treatments so that I can be finished on the 26th of this month. The throat is pretty raggedy, and is deteriorating. I am forcing myself to continue to swallow for as long as possible. The narcotic allows me to swallow in spite of the deterioration. I'm glad I followed directions on that aspect of my therapy.RUNRIG LIVE AUDIO - EMPTY GLENS (Proterra Christmas Tour 2003)

   The treatments yesterday took quite a bit out of me. I hardly had the energy to collapse. I finished some writing and slept.

   As a "blogger" I've been wondering. Why would someone be reading this blog in Malaysia, or Colombia? I'm huge in Mexico, which I can understand, but Malaysia? The vast majority of our readers are from the US. I have readers in Canada, and the UK. We are now followed actively by 32 people, some of whom I don't know. I am also a factor to be reckoned with in the German blogosphere. TJ is stationed in Stuttgart, but assures me he has not been reading. He is going to do a little intel work, and find out who is checking me out. There are between 75-100 readers each day. I have received some wonderful feedback from some of my friends. It makes me feel good to know that you are following, and that you are able to participate with me in this process. I encourage your comments, and just knowing that you are right here with me. Peter Gabriel – Solsbury Hill

My life continues to unfold into Goodness!
10 days to go, we can do this!
"Inconceivable"
Steve Winwood – Higher Love - Full Album Version
Steve Winwood – The Finer Things

8/14/11

   What a difference a week makes- Last week at this time I was completely paralyzed with pain. I was unrecognizable. I had a pathetic attitude, and was just trying to get through each day. The Medical oncologist mandated pain treatment, and I coincidentally have been on an improved trajectory. My prayers have improved, my human interactions have been much better, and my spring has returned to my step. Katrina and the Waves – Walking On Sunshine

   Ok let's not get crazy, but the trajectory has improved. I am no longer circling the drain hoping for a quick exit. I think I'm trending positive in a negative environment. Why not? I have been given clear indication that in spite of feeling shitty, the net result of this endeavor will be the elimination of cancer from my system. There has been very little pessimism during my treatment. The professionals have been very optimistic. The technicians have been very confident, and upbeat. They have Pandora Radio - Listen to Free Internet Radio, Find New Music at the Radiation office, and they hit me up for musical direction as soon as they call me back. They have to remind me not to table dance while bolted to the table.The Real Ritchie Valens - La Bamba

   The medication allows me to rest when I'm tired, but has yet to make me drool like an idiot. The protocol calls for 2 t-spoons every 4-6 hours. I take the medicine every 5 and a half hours, unless I sleep through the interval. Then I just take it when I wake up. It has allowed me to continue to swallow, and take food orally. I am expected to take in no less than 2000 calories per day. That doesn't sound too hard, but it gets tricky when everything's going through the tube. Barenaked Ladies – Brian Wilson

   Friday I was able to suck down a medium vanilla shake from DQ. Saturday I had some quality chicken noodle soup from Mom, blasted through 2 Del Taco Bean Burritos(the 49 centers'). Topped them off with a couple of french fries, and a couple gulps off the vanilla shake.Fats Domino – Blueberry Hill

  I was able to speak with quite a few people this week. My voice, while not good, is much stronger this week than it was last week. I was able to speak with TJ, and Kevin today. I felt terrible last week when I spoke to TJ. I felt much better today. Kevin is down at Exit 63 enjoying his 27th birthday w/ 50 friends. One of these years I'm going to make an appearance at Bar-Hop. There is a good chance I was at this show at the Agora Ballroom. Lord knows I did a bunch of double headers with Bruce, and Southside at that time in my life. Don't regret any of those performances, but I wished I had the capacity to retain them better. Very Blurry! 

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Thunder Southside Johnny And The Asbury Jukes – Having' A Party (Album Version)

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Badlands

Southside Johnny And The Asbury Jukes – Having' A Party (Album Version)

Southside Johnny And The Asbury Jukes – Trapped Again

Starting to Drizzle 8/13/11

   I was talking to a dear friend the other day, and commented that this was an incredibly expensive set of circumstances. I mentioned that there were a lot of other things on which I would prefer to be spending this money(Rainy day money). His response was perfect..."looks like it's starting to drizzle".  The supply of canned supplements, and syringes we ordered from a non-contracted supplier referred while I was initially hospitalized is over $2000, what a racket! The Jayhawks – Save It For A Rainy Day

   I am blessed with a wonderful family, but when I don't feel well, I can be a jerk. I woke up at 3:30 this morning, in some pain. I struggled with getting back to sleep, so I decided I would get up and start the day. My plan was to sneak out and get some donughts for some friends. A good plan, Saturday 6:15am low traffic day and time. I'll be back before she knows I'm gone. It's a no brainer. Low risk, high success rate. She's awake, no problem I'll just go with the assumptive close. Grab the keys, and ask if she needs anything while I'm out....Where do you think you're going? I'm just going to grab some donughts, I'll be right back. "You Can't Drive, You're on Oxycodone"!(Obviously not enough!) Busted at 6:15am, I can't believe it. Beth immediately offered a solution...I'll take you....I'll go get them...NO! I want to be independent, I want her to trust my judgement. I want my way. You are not the boss of me! Whaaa! Southside Johnny And The Asbury Jukes – I Don't Want To Go Home, Southside Johnny And The Asbury Jukes – The Fever

   A friend of mine called today to thank me. She was moving her eldest daughter into the dorms at ASU. She was grateful to be available to participate in such a big day with her daughter, and her ex-husband. She has one of the nicest ex-husbands I have ever met(I've met my fair share). I appreciated the call, I appreciated the change in attitude, hers, and mine. Bodeans – Good Things (Live)
Southside Johnny And The Asbury Jukes – The Fever

Kevin Patrick Hopkins turns 27 tomorrow, August 14, 1984, was a very good day!
He has a gifted appreciation for music, and I have no idea where he picked it up!
Live your life Son!
Enjoy!
TJH
Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat – Lucky
Jason Mraz – I'm Yours
Foo Fighters – Everlong
Foo Fighters – Learn To Fly
Incubus – Pardon Me
A Perfect Circle – Orestes

Liquid Lunch a Gentleman's Lunch 8/10/11

   I have enjoyed many liquid lunches in my day. The Harbor Inn, John Q's, The Dublin Pub, Freddy's, The Bucket of Blood, The Public House, The Office, and the list can be increased ad infinitum. My perspective has changed. Perspectives can change in many ways. Mary Chapin Carpenter – The Hard Way Recently I have been struggling, in a considerable amount physical pain. I have adopted a policy to forego the narcotics for as long as possible. The Doctor ordered me to start the pain management Tuesday, with his prescription. Doctors orders are, Doctors orders. I hit the mark. I surrender. Give me the dope. Where's my t-spoon measurer? My perspective is ready for a change.
 Paolo Nutini – New Shoes
   In spite of the fact that I have never been through a fight with cancer, I have a somewhat narrow view of what is appropriate for me. How do I come up with a set of rules to adhere to, without any prior experience? Seems like a limiting attitude.  Why would I want to start out narrow minded?

   With the help of the pain medication, I was able to eat a large bowl of soup last night  without crying. I slept comfortably, and woke up with renewed energy. I enjoyed a 350 calorie(now I'm counting calories) Ensure Plus for breakfast, made my bed, said my prayers, fluoridified my teeth, showered, and am ready to go get Radiated for the 23rd time.Grateful Dead – Ripple

   I had a couple of visitors yesterday, who reminded me that it was ok to follow directions. The medication did not send me into some unnatural state of euphoria. It allowed me to swallow, and rest. Lester Flatt & Earl Scruggs And The Stanley Brothers – Foggy Mountain Breakdown

   I got stuck in Spotify with arguably one of the best recordings of all time. Van Morrison – Astral Weeks Take a few minutes and visit, or revisit this classic.
Thank you all for tuning in, I'm feeling much better today, and I'm grateful for the improved perspective. Who the hell is reading this in Malaysia, and Columbia?
Keep those cards, and comments coming,
TJH


 

Long Island Lockjaw 8/9/11

   I speak like a cross between Thurston Howell III, and Don Vito Corleone.
Ringtone Masters – Gilligans Island, The Long Island Lockjaw has always been one of my favorite dialects. All you have to do is speak without moving your mandible. It is a fabulous way to richen any conversation, try it at your next backyard bar-b-que, or Bar-Hop.

   Now the Corleone dialect is much more difficult to master. André Rieu – The Godfather - Main Title Theme. You have to severely diminish the timber in your voice, which forces people to pay attention. The whisper is not a normal whisper. It is an unholy vapid intonation that demands serious attention. It is accompanied by a face that decries pain. It is also accompanied by some significant non-verbal signs. It helps to be surrounded by people who want to pay attention. The broken Italian is completely optional.

   We saw both of our Oncologists this morning. I say we because Beth is like a chaperone at these things. I really don't have anything important to ask the doctors, I have no concerns or complaints.  Go ahead and keep messing me up until the cancer is gone. I don't really care if my throat is folding in on itself. I am not going to complain too loudly about the pain, cause I got no voice. I have 17 days to survive. Let's go!

   I'm down 24 pounds in a fairly short period of time. I lost 5 pounds last week. At this rate I am likely to end up hospitalized prior to completing treatment. Not a good plan. The revised plan has me ingesting a minimum of 5 cans of supplement per day, starting immediately. I may be drooling on the keyboards in the very near future, because he insisted I start on the pain medicine. He suggested liquid Methadone, and I declined. Liquid Methadone, really?Patti Smith Group – Dancing Barefoot - Digitally Remastered 1996 Doesn't he know who I am?
Someone should tell him I'm somewhat important. Neil Young-Needle and the Damage Done

   I want to thank Kevin for bringing a musical concern to my attention. Not all of you young kids out there are familiar with spotify. Spotify has landed in the U.S. Sign up to get your invite now ....It's like Napster except it's legal, and there are 15 million titles at my fingertips. I will continue to interject a dose of youtube into the mix. I did not like the fact that they pulled access to some of my musical selections without my approval. Don't they know who I am?...I'm somewhat important. Mr Big Stuff Jean Knight - Mr. Big Stuff

Prepare to be drooled upon!
TJH

Voices 8/8/11

'Til Tuesday – Voices Carry
Simon & Garfunkel – The Sound Of Silence
Gothenburg Symphony Brass Band, Gothenburg Artillery Division, Churchbells of Gothenburg, Gothenburg Symphony Orchestra, Neeme Järvi, Gothenburg Symphony Chorus & Ove Gotting – Ouverture Solennelle "1812," Op.49: Largo - Allegro Giusto

   My voice is now nearly gone. I have a whisper that is painful to deliver. I'm pretty sure the hotshot professionals failed to disclose this side effect. Considering how much time I spend speaking, they must have known better than to throw this into the mix. "Oh no, your voice will be fine". "We radiate well above your voice box," so much for full and fair disclosure.

   I spent some time with friends yesterday. They came over to support me, and I was almost unable to join them. They would have continued without me, which would have been fine. I did finally make an appearance, and my cup was filled. I am aware that my physical malady is difficult, but the mental malady is making my recovery more difficult. The spiritual solution seems to be eluding me at this time. I have not lost hope, or faith, but I am having a more difficult time tapping into the Power.
 
   Since my vocal skills are limited, I have found that my non-verbal skills have been exposed. I can scoff, wave off, frown, furrow, and grunt. None of these non-verbal forms of communication express love. My primitive communication skills need some improvement, some maturity. My face seems to be stuck in a permanent frown. I am in pain. I am injured, I am wounded. I am hurt.

   My heart goes out to the Special Forces Operators who lost their lives this week in Afghanistan. These men go out each day in spite of danger. I would like to obliterate, annihilate, decimate, eradicate, and exterminate that whole region. Daisy Cutters, to start, and if that doesn't do the trick...Radiate those savages like a cancer.The Rolling Stones – Gimme Shelter

   I went in for treatment today. I will go in for treatment tomorrow. I can do anything for a day. David Bowie – Heroes

   What's so funny about Peace, Love, and Understanding...
TJH

Dry Pipes 8/6/11

The Black Keys – Howlin' For You

   First let me explain that we had a cranky celebrity writer the other day. He didn't have enough sleep and he had a little sore throat. His food did not stay down, and he was feeling sorry for himself. He was just trying to get some sympathy. I should not give that guy access to my MacBook Pro. I will try and keep him away from the keyboard.

   Now let me give a brief status update. I am in the process of receiving 7 Erbitux infusions, and 35 radiation treatments. I have received 4 Erbitux infusions, and 19 Radiation tretments. I have lost my salivary abilities(see spittin spackle). I have lost my tastebuds, and I am unable to swallow without severe pain. The process is destroying my throat from the inside, and taking the cancer as they go. My voice is on the ropes, but I still have my sense of humor(most of the time). I also have a decent spiritual foothold. I have the love, and support of family and friends.

   I put a call out for some help yesterday, and was blessed to get more than I expected. God continues to do for me what I cannot do for myself. Mumford & Sons – The Cave
   I was notified weeks ago that my throat is in the process of shutting down. They disclosed to me that this would be uncomfortable, and that I would be in a fair amount of pain. When I was little my Mom always suggested that I "offer it up to the starving kids in Africa," or some other mythical special intention. I am trying to offer my pain up to a number of anonymous intentions.

   So far my throat has undergone some significant and painful changes. David Bowie – Changes I am acutely aware that more changes are in my near future. I'm glad that my Doctors did not sugarcoat the symptoms to be expected. It feels like the flesh in my throat is collapsing into itself. The truth remains that I am uniquely qualified to be going through this process right now. How did I get so lucky. The technology is the best it has ever been, the medical professionals are the best, and all I need to do is show up, and get treated.

   I am not afraid to admit that I am afraid. Instrumental Music Songs – I Am The Bread Of Life

   I'm heading into the home stretch, cover me. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Cover Me
TJH

I'm not a rock 8/5/11

Simon & Garfunkel – I Am A Rock
  This mornings Ensure Plus was not the source of comfort that I have grown to enjoy. The barbed wire attendant at the top of my esophagus is a diabolical toll booth operator. Sure you can proceed, but you must pay. The toll is pain, and the toll is taking a toll.

   Some may be aware that, in my day I could rapidly consume liquids. I had a gift, an avocation really. Tomorrow I may shotgun my Ensure Plus. If you're not sure what that is, ask any college student. Shotgunning - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
With all the attention on my throat, I almost forget about the other side effects. The permanent face peal, the bubbling scalp, and the neurological dilemmas. Almost.

   "A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries".  That is surely not my story. Tears are certainly part of this process for me. My tear ducts seem to picking up the slack left by the absence of my salivary glands. I wake up in pain, and tear up for waking up. I don't want to be awake. It hurts when I'm awake.

   Now I know some of you are screaming "Jesus Tim take the painkillers". "It will be OK, that's what they're for". There I said it, I am afraid to start on the painkillers. They prescribed a lovely liquid oxycodone(feeding tube friendly). Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb The narcotic will separate me from the pain. The big problem is that it also separates me from my God, and my sense of reality. It separates me from you. I've detoxed off of narcotics 4 times in the last 8 weeks. I know how this experience feels. I'm not in a hurry to begin that process again, just yet. I will at some point put the monkey on my back, but not today. I do not want to be an Island!

   I know there are people out there who have real problems, but this is not their blog. Today, in spite of how I feel physically, I will have a good attitude at treatment. I will see what I can contribute. I will try not to be selfish and self-centered. I will ask God for the courage, and faith to do His will. I will love my life!

   Sorry for the musical selections, but I want to be as honest as possible. I couldn't access Warren Zevon's song, My Shit's F#@&^# up. If you have it listen to it, and forward it to me. Enjoy, my sick and twisted friends!
Let's F...ing Go!
TJH

 The Philadelphia Orchestra – Ride Of The Valkyries from Die Walkure
Lynyrd Skynyrd – That Smell - Criteria Studios Original Album Version
Dave Edmunds – Crawling From The Wreckage

Eat Through the Pain! 8/4/11

   I saw the medical oncologist this morning to evaluate my progress. He seemed to think that things were progressing as expected. My throat is sore all the time, and I don't even want to attempt to swallow. This morning I had my normally delicious, and nutritious Ensure Plus. It went down like glass mixed with sand. Now I am a solutions oriented person, and know that the feeding tube will keep me nourished without duress to my delicate esophagus. Always good to have a plan B. Not so fast thar BaBaLouis!

   The Doctor suggested that I "eat through the pain for as long as possible". Great idea, eat through the pain, no problem. I already feel the burn. I could get this advise at the gym. What happens if I just bypass the pain and use the handy feeding tube which is conveniently located just above my naval? If you stop swallowing too soon your throat may become dependent on the tube, and have difficulty remembering how to swallow. My throat will have difficulty remembering how to swallow? How much difficulty? You don't want to find out.

   Sounds ominous. I don't want to be feeding tube dependent. Do they have rehabs for feeding tube dependency? I could go to one in the Caribbean for about a month after treatment. So he suggested that I try to numb the mouth, and throat with a lydocaine maalox cocktail. Eat through the pain! Feel the burn! Maalox, and Lydocaine, really, who concocts these cocktails?Rupert Holmes – Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

   The MaalDocaine Martini was below average. I swirled it around in my throat, and then swallowed. Tasted like something created by a dentist. Lousy taste, lousy consistency, and numbs the shit out of every thing it touches(temporarily).

   I must admit that my weight loss efforts have never been so successful. I saw what looked like the outline of a rib this morning. I was wrong, but hope springs eternal. I walked on the treadmill the other day for 20 minutes, and ended up winded after traveling 1 mile. The balancing of nutrition, and exercise has never been my strong-suit. I was more of a diet, Or exercise guru. Sweet – Love Is Like Oxygen
   My buddy O'B is here from Jersey, and I'm worried about being an adequate host. I need to shake that thinking, and be grateful for his presence. I won't be heading to the ballgame, or doing any hiking, but I have friends who would be delighted to entertain on my behalf.

  Here's todays playlist on August 4th in honor of my dear friend Howard Pohlenz. Thank you neighbor!
  Johnny Cash – Sunday Morning Coming Down
Linda Ronstadt – Desperado
Carpenters – Sing
Jerry Jeff Walker – Up Against The Wall, Redneck - Live (Dallas, TX)
Prince & The Revolution – Purple Rain
– Journey - Don't Stop Believing

Sing out Loud! 8/3/11

   About 10 years ago Howard had a friend in from Portland, and invited me to go visit some friends. Sure no problem, I'll be right over(Howard lives across the street, and is 25 years my senior). Mike and Howard are in the car ready to go, I jumped in the back seat. As we are backing out of the driveway Howard asks Mike if he wants to sing? Mike says sure, and before we are off my street these guys are tearing up a Roger Williams classic.Roger Miller – King Of The Road I'm in the backseat hoping not to be recognized, are you kidding me? I regain some testosterone, recognizing they need some musical help. We jumped all over that song, a couple of times, and it felt great.

   My Dad had a great voice,Al Jolson – When The Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobin' Alongand was not afraid to share.The Dubliners – Whiskey In The Jar Lot's of my relatives are willing to sing their lungs out. I've been right there with them. I've been blessed with exposure to musical variety, and my pallet is very broad. My pitch is decent, and my delivery is expressive. There are not many things that feel as good as a good sing. Hell with feeling self conscious, just let it rip!Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Born To Run. Beth & I do a rendition of Happy Birthday that is unparalleled.

   TJ & Kev can definitely hold a tune. I can hear Kevin singing The Drifters – Up On The Roof, or TJ belting out Nirvana – Come As You Are. We could all sing Barenaked Ladies Gordon album cover to cover.

   While I am having a good amount of discomfort in my throat(I had my first can of feeding tube nutrition tonight), my vocal cords currently remain operational. The feeding tube supplement is going to take some trial and error. We squirted a good portion of the first can down the drain. Procedurally I'm going to need to find a way to administer without making a huge mess. This is going to be my breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next month.
Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive   I can do this.
Thanks for watching.
   TJH

 

Humpty Dumpty was Pushed 8/2/11

   Said my prayers this morning, and included a prayer to St. Blaise. Seemed pretty cool to me that, as a person with throat cancer, I had a specific Saint to petition. When I was a kid we had a special Mass each year on the feast of St. Blaise. We'd all take our turns walking up the isle, and hitting our knees to get our throats blessed with crossed candles. Blaise was another of the lesser known Saints. He's also the first Saint I thought of when getting my diagnosis. I put out some calls to some of my ordained friends, and asked them to give Blaise a shout on my behalf.
 
   This morning I also came a little bit closer to terms with the inevitability of a throat closure. It's uncomfortable, but not unbearable.
 
   Yesterdays treatment did not kick my ass as bad as last week(so far). The cumulative effect of the treatment is noticeable. The throat discomfort is sustained, and more pronounced. The rinses do not give long term relief. My energy level is diminishing. I walked a mile on the treadmill this morning, it took forever.

   Meditation helps me to accommodate the discomfort. Meditation allows me to lay quietly on a metal table with my face mask bolted down. I have been scratching the surface of meditation for years, without really overly embracing the process. I have a daily discipline that includes some meditation. My daily routine has changed to include longer periods of quiet. It has brought me some peace. It gives me some intuitive awareness. It has also made me more aware of my present situation.

   I am aware that my life is more sequestered than I might like. I am more phobic as pertains to germs, and kids. I am not as comfortable in crowds. I am somewhat secluded, and protective of my space. These changes are part of the shift in my gyroscope.

   Bumper sticker on an 83 VW Sirocco said on one side: Humpty Dumpty was Pushed; the other side it said; MEDITATION: It's Not What You Think!

Today's Playlist
Andrea Bocelli – Con Te Partirò
Toto – Africa
Enya – Storms In Africa
Dave Edmunds – Get Out Of Denver

I'm a Boomtown Rat 8/1/11

The Boomtown Rats – I Don't Like Mondays

   The throat closures are getting more frequent, and the general pain level is on an uptick. I put on the topical cream to numb the injection port, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw an older version of me. I did not see the usual rakishly handsome gadfly, but a more somber version. I saw a determined, but injured participant. Injured, but not defeated. Let's do this thing again, let's go. Determined is the attitude, not complacent, not surrendered.

   I will show up today with a positive attitude. I will participate to the best of my ability. I will have the 4th of 7 injections, and my 15th radiation out of 35.

Jerry Jeff Walker – L.A. Freeway
Johnny Cash – Ring Of Fire
Dave Edmunds – Crawling From The Wreckage
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – No Surrender
The Waterboys – The Whole Of The Moon

I saw a valley, you saw Brigadoon. Show me.

Let's get this party started. Where's my floppy hat?
I'll report back after I meet my cure.
TJH