They are carpet bombing my throat 7/30/11

   As I am feeling a little bit better, I will let you in on some insights I received just this week. The Radiation Oncologist described the first 5 weeks of radiation as carpet bombing my throat. OK I can understand that the radiation therapy may not be as exacting in the early stages, but...Carpet Bombing?

   The strategic laser guided treatments start week 5. They get much more exacting after they have thinned the forest. During the first 5 weeks the general bombarding is designed to get at the general area where the cancer was located. It also exposes the areas where the cancer is likely to return. Once the areas have been defoliated they can accurately target the danger spots. The Erbitux is a targeted antibody. They inject this chemical into my system, and it locates cancer cells. Once the cells have been located, the Erbitux attaches to the cancer cells, and self destructs. Just like tiny little suicide bombers.

Sorry for all of the references to mass destruction, but it is kinda what's going on.

   There was a guy in the office this week who looked as if his head was literally going to explode off his head like a big tomato. He was beet red and incredibly swollen. He had just come downstairs from the Erbitux(medical oncology) office. I tried not to cringe in front of him. When I saw the Doctor in the back, I asked him about Mr. Tomato Head. "Oh he's had some reaction to the Erbitux". Some reaction? My God; is that going to happen to me? "Oh no he's a week behind you on the treatment schedule". If my head had blown up to those proportions, I may have skipped a couple of treatments. I guess the side effects I am experiencing are pretty moderate.

   The professionals have been pretty good about explaining the potential side effects, and some problems to anticipate. "Your throat is going to stop working for a period of time." No problem, I've got a feeding tube, and I'm not afraid to use it. I can wrap my head around the process, and fully understand that difficulty swallowing is in my future. I have a sore throat 24hrs/day, no problem. Food doesn't taste very good anyway, no problem. I can handle it.

   Last night at 2:07am I was sound asleep, no problem. You may not be aware of it, but we swallow while we are asleep. It's kind of an involuntary normal process. No need to worry, it just happens naturally. Has been happening for 53 years, until 2:07am last night. Not being able to swallow will wake you up immediately, and freak you right out.

    The terror passes. Breathe. I swirl some Biotene, gargle a little baking soda/salt water, and finally get some water flowing down my throat. I am really amused by my lack of composure when side effects manifest themselves. The fear that gets me is temporary, and has nothing to do with my long term mortality. It has everything to do with the immediate absence of faith.

   I've got some out of town talent rolling into Phoenix this week. Kenny O'B, fresh off a one week stay on LBI is bringing his talents to The Valley. We are looking forward to him visiting, I just hope he leaves the pipes, and kilts in NJ.

4 more Erbitux infusions
21 more radiation treatments
Let's Go!
Enjoy todays musical feast!
TJH

Jimi Hendrix – All Along The Watchtower
Dan Fogelberg – Part Of The Plan
Something Corporate – I Woke Up In A Car
Social Distortion – Reach For The Sky
Chopin – Polonaise In A Flat, Op. 53, "Herioc"

Hide & Seek 7/28/11

   As the volume gets turned up on this process, I am inclined to hide. I don't want to be a service opportunity. I don't want to be invalid, or require special treatment. There are lot's of things that I may not want, but it appears fairly obvious that I had better get comfortable. In order to get comfortable, I have to get uncomfortable first. Let me go on record and say that I am getting uncomfortable.

   The local pharmacy professionals are treating me in a special way. They wordlessly acknowledge my condition, and offer sympathetic assistance.

   The guys I hang with are all processing this in their own way. I have received some very sporty hats. Everyone wants to help. I had a young man offer to give me a lift on Saturday morning. I countered by saying that I could still drive. He pressed the issue, and I got defensive. He didn't even blink, he just said "listen, I am not asking if I can give you a ride, I'm telling you that I will pick you up at 7:15". "Don't take this service opportunity away from me". I will be ready.

   My ego wants me to hide, my spirit wants me to seek. The balance is an illusion. When I am not seeking, I am hiding. I find it difficult to seek help, and look cool. The same is true when I attempt to be helpful in order to look good. Where the hell does this stuff come from? Why is it difficult to accept help, and just be gracious?

   The process of writing also makes me less likely to hide. Publishing to 10's of followers makes it difficult to hide. Not because of responsibility, more out of accountability. I do not want to hide. I went off the grid Monday, and Tuesday. Treatments kicked my butt and knocked me out. This is not what I want. I'm not supposed to be vulnerable to these side effects.

   The treatments are blissfully unaware of my wants, or vulnerabilities, or what I think I'm supposed to be.

   I saw a friend today who reminded me that my life is Amazing!

Today's Playlist
Drive-By Truckers – Everybody Needs Love
The Shins – New Slang
One Eskimo – Amazing
Dan Fogelberg – Part Of The Plan

Radiator Problems 7/27/11

   I must admit that going into Mondays treatment, I had a degree of optimism that may have been unwarranted. The truth is that after the treatments were done with me on Monday, I couldn't honestly say how I felt. I was nonverbal, and barely ambulatory. Monosyllabic me.

   I slept for what seemed like days, and woke up Tuesday feeling like doing just about anything but going to treatment, or the 2 subsequent Doctors appointments at 10(Medical Onc), and 11:30(ENT Surgeon). The stars were aligned, the radiator  fryed an electron motherboard. I hope a sink hole takes the whole facility, while I'm in the parking lot in one of my goofy f...ing floppy hats, drinking an Ensure.

   The Doctors appointments went well, everyone thinks I look great(don't worry about the face rash, or the chest blisters, it's normal) They are happy with my bloodwork, weight, and most importantly my prognosis. They both cited some examples where things went very badly, and how this doesn't appear to be my trajectory. The Radiation Oncologist called later in the afternoon to personally assure me that my radiation therapy would be made up with a couple of sessions on the same day. What? We will radiate you twice in one day six hours between sessions. What? Oh yea, no problem we will surely get plenty of radiation into your throat, don't worry. Thank's for calling.

   Bottom line, I called to find out if I could get my mask and mouthpiece, and bring them to another office for treatment. I know this is the right coarse of action. The Varian radiation oncology delivery system was repaired overnight, and kicked out a ton of radiation this morning.

   I haven't done a great job of returning phone calls, texts, or e-mails over the past few weeks. I'm not sure that this will improve in the near future. I will do my best. Know that Beth & I appreciate the continued prayers, and support.

   I feel pretty good this morning, getting ready for Stephen to pick me up, and deliver me to the Radiator. I hope he brings some food for the food drive.
Enjoy the Day!
TJH

Todays playlist:Jackson Browne – The Fuse
Tom Waits – Hold On
Patty Griffin & Willie Nelson – Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground - Live
Squeeze – Another Nail in My Heart

Shocking News!! 7/23/11

   I love my life. I have had some seemingly difficult challenges present themselves, but I really love my life. I had a solid week of treatment. They got their money's worth out of me this week. Face peels are over rated. Nausea is a side effect that that will not be overlooked. Fine dining is off the menu(everything tastes like rebar).

   The canned food drive at the oncologist office gets a huge bump when clients use multiple drivers. Rodney started the ball rolling by dropping off a couple of boxes from Sam's Club. They also are making a better effort at the front desk to inform the  clients in the waiting room. Most people want to be helpful. Most people are very charitable. People who are sick, and undergoing treatment have a clear choice to be selfish, or selfless. It's black, and white in your face all the time. Am I going to give, or take? The truth is not always easy to examine. I happened to be shopping subsequent to my treatment, and had to ask myself, "Do I really want to carry an extra box of canned goods out of here?" I carried the extra box, but I can't say that didn't think about being selfish. I've got an excuse...I'm sick...Waaa! F that where's my cart?

   Amy Winehouse is dead. Can't say we didn't see that one coming. A first round pick in any death pool. It's sad to see any life cut short. Clearly talented, and tortured. She got down like a narcotic. It's not as sad when the decedent is fully aware that the outcome, while unfortunate, is predictable, and voluntary. She was not a victim, she was a volunteer. "Help the willing; Let go of the unwilling; and Bury the dead." She was clearly powerless, but refused or was unable to surrender. Not bad luck, not circumstances. "She cheated herself, like she knew she would."
I really enjoyed her art.
Sing Along! Tried to make me go to rehab, I said No!No!No!
TJH

Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse – Valerie - Version Revisited
Amy Winehouse – You Know I'm No Good
Amy Winehouse – Tears Dry On Their Own
Amy Winehouse – Rehab

I think I'm Spittin' Spackle 7/22/11

   I now carry anti-nausea medicine with me at all times. I should probably keep it w/ my Nitro. Not going to let that dog bite me again if it can be avoided. Had some tube cloggage this morning. It took a little extra bump on the plunger to discharge the blockage. I got some kind of sick satisfaction out of clearing the line without having to rely on power tools.
 
   Speaking of home improvement, I'm quite confident that they could use my saliva to spackle, and caulk a small addition. My goodness the things that I spent years taking for granted now have a new significance. Apparently salivary glands are more useful than spit. They circulate 2 liters of fluid per day Not sure how I was able to overlook them for so long, but not anymore. I like my salivary glands, and I hope that they are restored to working order when these treatments are completed. For now I will just savor the various moments that my taste buds, and salivary glands function.

   It remains difficult for me to express my gratitude for all the prayers, and support. I want to specifically thank all 8 of you followers of my blog. That is truly a groundswell of inspiration. Knowing that all 8 of you are out there is pretty hilarious. I of course understand the hundreds, dare I say thousands of anonymous viewers. You people sitting at home after a long day, maybe enjoying a glass of Merlot, unwinding to the lilting of my prose, enjoying the benefit of my musical pallet, and laughing your asses off at the recount of my foibles.  I do not have a Facebook page, but I follow along while hiding behind Beth's skirt. I understand; that doesn't make it right. Sign your stuff up right now, or when the fit hits the shan, I may direct my insanity your way.

   Current high bid on the Radiation Face Mask....Wait for it...$30. I was under the impression that the bid was actually $300, but I was wrong.

   I love you guys,
   Let's Dance! (or at least walk with purpose)!
TJH

The Filmscore Orchestra – The River Kwai March - Bridge Over The River Kwai
The Mills Brothers – Glow Worm
Alison Krauss – When You Say Nothing At All
The Avett Brothers – Kick Drum Heart
Bad Religion – Sorrow

Side Effects Sneakin' In 7/21/11

   They warned me that there could be some side effects associated with the treatment protocol. They warned me against reading too much about the potential side effects. They cautioned me to not get alarmed if some side effects occur.

   They did not advise me of how to properly secure my feeding tube while launching my Ensure. That little apparatus just kept wanting to jump into the commode. It's too short to throw over my shoulder. What is the proper procedure for cleansing a feeding tube that has been contaminated. My life is a carnival. You can't make this stuff up. I've got to Purell the feeding tubes external apparatus, and re-flush the internal hosiery.

   Now I was told to expect some skin irritation similar to acne. My scalp irritation goes so well with the neurological damage, like thunder and lightning. I have what must be similar to a facial peel happening on my face. It doesn't look too bad, but it is dryed and feels burnt.

   I could really go for a slice from Jimmy & Joes, but I'm heating up the ORGANIC vegetable soup. I wonder if there are side effects associated with making drastic changes to a life of suzie q's, and burgers. Probably causes nausea, and skin irritation. I feel like I am dropping my dietary transmission.

   Doug took me to treatment this morning, we had to take a timeout before we even got in the car. I wasn't such a hot date today. I'll try to do better next week. Frank picks me up tomorrow morning for my final treatment of the week. I'm looking forward to finishing up the second week of seven.

   Enjoy the music!
TJH
The Waterboys – The Whole Of The Moon,
– Bob Marley - Three little birds,
– Thin Lizzy - The Cowboy Song,
Bobby Darin – Mack The Knife,
The Band – Life Is A Carnival (Live)

I double booked my backup drivers 7/20/11

   Last week my Wednesday driver let me know he was going to Cali for some time off. He asked if I could find a replacement driver. Can I find a substitute? Of course, no problem, enjoy the beach. Called my buddy Rodney, and asked if he could be my driver. We worked out the details, and were all set. Yesterday Beth reminded me that my driver was out of town, I suggested that she may have the wrong week. She was right and I had a temporary sense of panic. I called Bart and asked him if he could provide transportation, of course he would.

   This morning I gathered my nerve, and prepared for treatment. Floppy hat, sunscreen, gargle, fluoride, floss, Ensure, flush, I really have this system down. At exactly 8:45am I open the garage door to find Rodney, and Bart having a chat. What a nice surprise, what are you doing this morning? Oh you don't say...I certainly remember now that you mention it. Sorry to my friend Bart, I inconvenienced him unnecessarily. So much for having this system down.

   The people at the radiation oncology facility are delighted by the fresh faces each week. Today Rodney snapped some action photos of Sabrina, and Todd, buckling my facemask. I think he also volunteered to support the food drive at the office. As I finished and was getting ready to leave he was snapping pictures of Amanda, and Megan at the front desk. This is a full contact process, and I have the exact type of support that is required. I think Rodney is looking at purchasing some stock in the camera manufacturer, and drug maker. Rodney suggested a 10am showing of Horrible Bosses, and that was just the perfect supplement to my treatment. The film was funny, the company was great, and the popcorn was a little metallic, but comforting. Thanks Rodney.
 
   Todays playlist: Funk #49 by Joe Walsh w/ The James GangThe James Gang – Funk #49                         Passionate Kisses by Mary Chapin CarpenterMary Chapin Carpenter – Passionate Kisses I've seen All Good People by YesYes – I've Seen All Good People: a. Your Move, b. All Good People, Jealous Guy by John Lennon,John Lennon – Jealous Guy

Floppy Hats and Sunscreen 7/17/11

   There is a time and place for everything I guess. I can get with purel, coughing/sneezing in my elbow makes sense, it's important to hydrate, lets not forget to floss(waxed and coated only please). A lot of attention is placed on oral hygiene during this process. They are baking the inside of my throat, but don't forget to floss?

   There is so much new stuff to apply in my current station. An extra set of dental plates, blanket for injection chair, ipod w/ downloads from spotify(more on that later). Nutritional supplements, anti-nausea medication(just in case), numbing cream applied to port 1 hour prior to treatment. Don't want to forget that one. Baking soda mixed with salt mixed with water 3 times a day. A mixture of 3 parts aloe, and one part trameel, applied to my throat once a day after radiation. I'm a chemist. I'm a chemistry set. I'm a chemistry experiment. My chemical romance.

   It became apparent yesterday that pounding carbohydrates is not part of the curriculum. I figured I felt pretty good it's Sunday, did my Apple class at 8am, let's have some breakfast with Bart. Judies special at Teakwoods was just the ticket. Yes, I'll have the 3 egg and sausage sliders over easy w/ hash browns, toast, Oh and one pancake on the side please....That meal will be revisited subsequent to treatment. That meal will not be revisited anytime soon.

   The books are showing up all over the place. I have a wonderful wife lifting my spirits with such uplifting reads as, Full Catastrophe Living, and Anticancer. How could I have possibly missed the cliff notes on these? Antioxidants seem to be the key. ORGANIC FOODS...On the way home from treatment today, Beth was letting me know that while I was undergoing treatment, she ran to Sprouts, and picked up a bunch of organic food for dinner. I suggested stopping at Sonic on the way home for 2 chili cheese dogs with onions. The cheese dogs were great, the fries had a disturbing metallic taste. The jury remains out on the organics. I remain open minded, but in no hurry.

   Let the record show that yesterday(Tuesday) I had a large cup of organics, some edamame, and some wild grain rice. The rice tasted metallic, but the rest was delicious.

   The soreness in and around my neck is becoming more pronounced. The acne type symptoms are manifesting on my scalp, and forehead. I have a noticeable reduction of energy. My taste buds are in transition, I really enjoy Ensure.

   TJ had a big weekend in Germany. These photos were tweeted to Kevin on Sunday. He and his team won a half marathon on Saturday by 25 minutes over the second place team. They were also 35 pounds heavier(per man) than the rabbits they were running against. His time was 1 hr 33 min for 13 miles. Call my cardiologist.

   I have been getting some positive feedback on my daily playlist. Yesterday at 8am Beth and I were in the Apple store, and I heard Dave Brubeck doing Take 5. For the moment I forgot where I was, and what I was doing. I was just in the presence of Take 5. Music has always been one of my favorite distractions. I was somewhat late to the picnic with Napster, and Netflix, but feel that the kiss of death should be spared for Spotify. 15 million titles at my fingertips.

Getting picked up by Bart at 8:45 for my 8th radiation. Picked up a rice patty hat at Lee Lee's market

Todays Playlist: Take 5 by Dave Brubeck, 

Do Ra Mi Fa So La Ti Do by Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp's,
Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional,

I can't find my way home 7/16/11

   Working backwards from playlist to blog may seem a simple change, but let's not forget who's writing this thing. Backwards is a matter of perspective. The transition to reverse was a reaction to my ongoing effort to embed. I'm sure that Skyping,(please send along your Skype info) and Tweeting are just around the corner. I have had an anonymous hacker breaking into my  heavily encrypted, fire wall protected, worm proof blog. He has taken the time to look at my playlists, and embed them. He has for the most part resisted the temptation to take editorial control.(Thanks Kev)

   Taking direction has not always been my strong suit. I have refused solid direction at numerous points in my life. I once, at my Dad's insistence, did a brake job on an aubergine Austin Marina.(yes it had an 8 track player) I had a repair manual, and all the parts, and tools. The brakes worked fine when I finished, but I could never really explain the extra pieces. Directions from friends, family, strangers, and employers, were ignored, or modified. Modification of directions will eventually get you lost. I had an uncanny ability to stay lost without looking lost. That may sound like a talent, but it is really a liability.

   One of the best things that has happened over the course of my life, has been a willingness to take direction, read directions, follow direction.  I try to the best of my ability to do what Family, Friends, Doctors, Lawyers, Strangers, and Professionals suggest. My best thinking got me lost.

Todays playlist:

Looking for directions from Knofler, Winwood, Clapton, Auger, and Williams

          

Current Events 7/14/11

I have been somewhat self-centered in my recent writings, and have ignored for the most part many important current events. Women's Soccer, Debt Ceiling, Casey Anthony, All Star Game, NFL Labor Negotiations, Emmy Nominations, Harry F..ing Potter(if you're going to write 8 books about good vs. evil shouldn't there be more death? Kill some muggles or something, Jeesh), Netflix price increase(just got it last week(timing)), Betty Ford, The Running of the Bulls, and the Space Shuttle.

Enough with that stuff, what about me? Isn't that the way my skewed perspective operates. Static...static...static...Holy shit I just remembered I have cancer. Now what?

While I have the time and energy to commit, I will try to extend myself, and help others. My buddy Doug came over today to drive Miss Daisy to Radiation. We again ran into a mechanical delay that pushed the appointment from 9am to 10:45am. Doug seemed to take the delay in stride, no panic, no big deal. He simply called his office to let them know he would be in after noon. No big deal to him, but a huge sacrifice to me. I recognize the inconvenience, the selflessness, the altruism, and I appreciate that there is no way to pay him back. I get it. I pay it to the next person. He enjoyed the tour of the facility. We got to spend some good time together. His car has 197,000 miles. He almost had me skypeing, and had promised to help me embed. As he was dropping me off, I thanked him, and he thanked me. I get it. I am one of his current events. I'm not national, or international, or intergalactic. I'm local which is exactly where most of my impact can be made.

Kevin Patrick Hopkins(8/14/84) has been sneaking into my Blogosphere from Banff, and embedding the musical selections. He and Beth can be thanked for this blog. He talked me through embedding once, and has realized that that first lesson didn't stick. Thank you son.

TJ Hopkins(12/1/82) prepared his victory acceptance speech 2 months ago for a half marathon he is running with his team on Saturday. The run is a fundraiser for the families of his fallen brothers. He and 2 others are running it in under 1hr 30min(that's under 7minutes/mile), the other 2 are under 1:40. He has assured me that he will be on television Sunday at the Women's World Cup Finals in Germany. Look for a bunch of extremely chiseled, well trained, underdressed, painted men(He's the ringleader.) Today I received a couple of packages, one of which was from TJ, the other from his grandparents. Suffice to say I'm running a little on the emotional side. The packages were opened between sobs of gratitude. Must have had a radiation leak. Where's my geiger counter? I am so proud of my sons.

Today's side effects minimal, but it's still early. Voice condition is good. Attitude is good.
YiPee Ky-Yay,(arguably the greatest one-liner in modern cinematography)

TJH

Today's song list which may or may not be embedded(Editor's note: KPH was always the better son):

I have Drivers...7/13/11

The fact that I can rely on a number of good friends to get me to and from treatment is miraculous. Finished putting on my SPF 55 sun screen, put my mouthpiece in my pocket, opened the garage door, and my ride showed...right on time. Never a doubt, not hint of doubt. People have become more reliable over time. There is a consistency today that I was unable to provide as a young man. A better offer would present itself, and I would start the process of finding an excuse, or an alibi.

The door swings both ways today and I know that given the opportunity, I would be delighted to inconvenience myself for my friends. It is a privilege to serve our fellows. Outreach keeps us connected, and human.

The Doctor wants me to wear a hat to help mitigate the affect of the sun on my face, and neck, and upper body. So I wear a very stylish baseball hat which apparently does not fit the Doctors criteria. He said he wants something bigger. I ask if he's talking about sombrero big, or 10 gallon big, fedora big, pork pie big....What are we talking about here Doc? We settled on a tasteful straw hat to start, if that doesn't work then we go to rice patty ridiculous. God help me. I've got hat problems, go figure.

See you next time,
TJH

Today's Playlist:

Of course I feel fine...Honey I need to lay down 7/12/11

Monday,Not a cloud in the sky, let's do this thing. Radiation machine needs to be re-calibrated, no problem, let's get me some Erbitux. Sure I can handle a double, what do you think I am a lightweight? No problem go ahead and access my port. Sure some benadryl is fine. Three hours of Erbitux seems a little excessive, but if this is protocol, I'm game. I'll just listen to the classical selection in my ipod. Beth is reading her Kindle, and checking to make sure that I am still breathing. I guess I nodded off. The good news is that I did not manifest any of those awful side effects. Never read too far into the side effects section.

We finished the Erbitux w/ out incident, and went about our day. Got the call on the bat phone that the radiator was working, and would I still want a test drive. Would I? Please. This is what I have been preparing for my entire life. I am ready. Let's heat this mother up. Lay quietly for 20 minutes, no problem, but you have got to get rid of the country music, clearly a deal-breaker. They finally acquiesced. I think they are getting the hang of this. Did my 20 minutes and was released back into the wild.

I should have suspected something was amiss, when on the way home I had a craving for hummus, and pita. Radiation, and Erbitux have some subtle signs that I need to be vigilant in my awareness. Day one is a tricky day. Made it home without incident, sat down for an uplifting blogfest, and got hammered. The bus was not a bus it was a bulldozer, and it drove right over my optimistic ass. I mumbled to Beth that I think I might want to lay down for a little nap at 5pm. I woke up at 6am, not knowing who I was, or where I came from. My legs were gone, and I wanted no part of any further daily treatments.

Day 2 was welcomed w/ a groggy knowledge that I was expected at radiation at 9am, then 2 Doctors appointments at 9:45, and 11:30. Who schedules this stuff? The Gods were smiling. The radiation machine was on the fritz again, and the 11:30 was rescheduled. I think someone found a way to sabotage the radiator. Good for them. If I could get the 9:45 to cancel, it would be like hitting the lottery.

Beth is awake, and I give her the good news. She immediately goes to some drastic plan B. We had 2 doctors appointments by 11am, came home had a bite to eat, and the blooming bat phone rang again. Guess what we have an opening, can you be here in 10 minutes? Of course, this is what I live for, where is my mouthpiece? The classical music was playing when I entered the vault. We(the techs) had some adjustments to make with my positioning. While I was attached to the table like Gulliver, these guys decided to draw on me like I was passed out at a frat party. I've got some permanent magic marker on my throat and neck. I know it's permanent, because of the contact high from the fumes. They are explaining that this is normal, and do I feel any discomfort? My head is bolted to this table, and I have a mouthpiece in which really prevents any discernible conversation. I tell them that I would prefer that they not mark on my body, that I have made it 53 years w/out the need to be tattooed. I know that the machine if working properly would not require this type of savagery. They hear ngthy plshh dggr, and assure me that this is OK.

I was released back into the wild at about 1:30 feeling somewhat soiled, but there was a sense of survival. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Had a great night w/ Beth and friends. Too numerous to mention. Thank's for the phone calls and emails, and I would like to prominently mention Daniel Silas Miller.

Thanks again,
TJH

Today's Playlist:

There is a Window 7/11/11

NASA just called and the national weather service cleared me for treatment if I can be ready to launch at 3:30pm. I'm ready now. Let's go. Where's my mouthpiece? What side effects from the Erbitux?. Wheres my chinstrap? I'm ready.
Honey, is it OK for me to go on the shuttle? YiPee! I get to go for radiation. Am I the first contestant since the radiator was replaced? Hmm. That's probably good luck in radiation. They called me because I brought them candy. Who cares why they called, I got called.

Cover me, I'm going in!

Stay Tuned
TJH

Michael Myers?

Today's Playlist:

Hold On 7/11/11

Well I can only imagine how an astronaut feels when they get all dressed up for a launch, only to have some weatherman scrub their mission. The weatherman called me this morning to scrub my 9am radiation appointment. The storm that passed through Phoenix last night caused some glitch in the matrix, which requires some form of recalibration.

I have all my stuff ready to go. I have my #2 pencils, my bookbag, my snacks, my gifts for the teachers....What no school?
I can handle the delay, I still get to get hooked up to the Erbitux machine at 9:45. After the Erbitux I can scoot downstairs and see if the radiator is repaired. If I do get a snow day as respects radiation today, I'm on for tomorrow morning at 9am.
I remain prepared to get my medicine. I'm kind of disappointed that I have to wait to throw the facemask on, put the mouthpiece in, and bolt down.

Lot's of activity before my shuttle mission. We have all the providers calling to confirm protocol. Checklists are being checked. I am remaining calm and avoiding any controversy. This stuff is going down exactly as it is intended. Just like my Emsure...Yum.

I'll keep you informed...Mission Control...OUT
TJH

Girdles & Haboobs 7/7/11

   The main trouble post surgery's is sleep. The anesthesia messes w/ your sleep, the tubes hanging out your gullet are not conducive to sleep. There is the normal terror that hinders sleep. You get half asleep and you feel a gentle, but disturbing tug on your feeding tube. It has a mind of its own. It really wants to be ripped out in the middle of the night emptying stomach content. I sleep in a tasteful short sleeve button down, to keep my feeding tube from tying itself to my hand, and spontaneously unplugging. The button down does not like the neck and shoulder.

   The main culprit remains the neck dissection. All those nerves had to be lifted, and cleaned during the surgery. That's all well and good, however when they put them back, they should have re-synched them with my central nervous system. I have screaming pins & needles from above my left haboob over the back of my shoulder, and up from mid left tricep through my throat, left jawline, above my ear, into my scalp. No problem, except when you gently touch my left shoulder there is a tendency for me to leap out of my skin. I asked the Doc....Aayy what's up Doc? "Your neurological adjustment period should take about 2 years." "There may be some permanent nerve damage, but it should be minimal". 2 years, that seems like a really long time. Is there anything I can do say between now and 2 years from now to minimize the effect? There are some medications for seizures that they have found are having some positive mitigating effects. That's all I need, an anti seizure med that also may help nerve health. I'm just not ready for trial offers. Let's see how bad it gets. I'm a solution oriented guy. We head to Walgreens.

   I had my first full uninterrupted night of sleep last night. I picked up an ace bandage that fits around my abdomen, covering, and securing the feeding tube. It velcro's in place, just under the aforementioned haboobs. It goes nowhere near my neck. It is a girdle, and I love it.

   Went back to the lawyer w/ Beth today, being of sound mind & body. We scratched out some legal concerns, plopped some stuff in the trust, and went to lunch at Durant's on Central. I used to think that most of this stuff was unimportant, but I was wrong. I must admit that my motivation for getting the estate in order was probably fear. If something(God forbid) were to happen to me, I would want Beth to be very sad. If I left my stuff disorganized, and tornado-like, Beth would be sad and angry. I don't mind people being sad, but I would hate to leave them angry.

   No fresh music today, but I did receive a new cd in the mail today from a dear family member. I am going to download it as soon as I finish this drivel. The cd is titled "Zamru Ladonai". I'll sample it and forward a selection or two.

See you around the campus,
Love,
TJH

I'm well into my 54th year of life.7/3/11

     As I contemplate all of the wonderful birthday wishes I received, I can't help thinking a little bit about gratitude. Now many of you who know me are aware that I have always said that gratitude should be seen and not heard. Don't tell me your grateful, show me. An adverb, not an adjective. Here are some random observations, please don't be offended. You can make your own lists.

     I'd like to thank whoever came up with the Big Bang. That was just bloody brilliant. Partially because it was not big, and did not make noise.
     The immutable laws of nature. If i can exist without rubbing too hard against these, I'm in good shape. I especially want to put in a plug for gravity, which has been better since I've given up snow skiing. I also love the laws of optics. I find sight remarkable, and all the colors.

     The music, and lyrics. They somehow seem to go together so well. From Beethoven, to Rage Against the Machine. I appreciate the music of life.
     The little things, microorganisms, and cells, without which there would be no life. I hope that Erbatux, and radiation can kill the little cancer microbastards that have set up shop in my throat.
     The spotted owl, and baby seal...F the spotted owl and baby seal. There i said it. While I'm at it let me put in a plug for Global/regional warming. I don't like the cold weather. Gimme a/c and 110 over 3 feet of snow every day. And screw Congress, and most of our political representatives, Spineless amoebas (is that redundant?) who need term limits and public health insurance. OOPS i digress.
     Did I mention the sun, and the stars?
     The human element has made all the difference in my life. I've enjoyed music, and nature. The shooting stars, and sunsets (The sun does not actually set. It is stationary in our solar system, and we rotate on our axis, and around the sun). It has been the people who have given these experiences depth, and weight. The people who have shown me how to appreciate our environment. The people who have added love to the equation. The people who have taught me that smiling is a really inexpensive way to improve my looks. The people who gave me the latitude to laugh out loud (sometimes in seemingly inappropriate places). The people who have inspired, and redeemed me. The people who have shown me what God looks like, and how he would like me to behave. The people who I hurt, and disappointed, who have forgiven me. The people who have raised me up instead of putting me down, or worse, throwing me away to be ignored.
     You know who you are, and I thank you. I had a very Happy Birthday.

Willingness

   "So I've been thinking". Probably not the sanest thing to say at the start of any conversation, however that is what I've been doing. My mind tends to fly untethered, I hope my typers can keep up.
   I met a 10 year old named Lenny this week at the Gilbert Mercy Hospital. He was taking up a significant portion of an already overcrowded waiting room. I initially thought about tuning him up and getting his mom to corral him, but I did not act on my first thought. "I asked him what he was in for". He was wearing pajamas, and a red wristband, so I knew he was not support personnel, and he was 10. He said tonsils, and my attitude changed 180 degrees. I almost cried. I had my tonsils removed a month ago, and the pathology report confirmed that my tonsils(the left tonsilar pillar) was the point of origin for my cancer.
   Lenny was somewhat interested to find out that I had just survived a surgery, he was facing. His attitude shifted, and he offered to let us share the couch. We joined him, and I assured him that getting the tonsils out was a very good thing. I wish every 10 year old had their tonsils removed. I strongly recommended the chicken broth ahead of the Italian ices, or flipping pudding. The ices are like swallowing broken glass, which I have done(light bulbs in a prior life, not sober). The puddings coagulate at the back of your throat and cause debilitating pain as you attempt to process, like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth. Lenny seemed to be paying attention, and then they called his number. He lost a little of his bravery, but he got up, and met his mom for the walk to the prep room.
   I loose a little of my bravery on a regular basis. Each of the last 4 weeks I have undergone some surgical procedure at a hospital. General anesthesia is not my idea of a fun day. As the day of surgery arrives I tell Beth, "I'm not going". She typically says OK, as I get up say my prayers, make my bed, brush my teeth, and take a shower. When I put my "big boy" pants on, I have what is needed to get in the car. "Get in the car". Four of the most important words I have ever heard. I heard those words so often at one point in my life that I thought it was my nickname. I am usually willing. Willingness is probably the greatest gift I have ever received. You can't make someone willing, and you can't teach willingness. It comes from a sense of desperation, or a strong character. In my case it was the desperation.
   I saw Lenny in the prep room prior to my surgery. We bumped knuckles. Very human. His mom wasn't sure what to make out of the exchange, but smiled. I had a port put in that day, but the real experience had nothing to do with surgery. Can I allow a shift in my attitude? Can I open myself up to the possibility that a greater purpose is unfolding, with wonderful experiences?
Willingness: This is an indispensable essential for recovery:

I'm still on my feet...TJH