As the volume gets turned up on this process, I am inclined to hide. I don't want to be a service opportunity. I don't want to be invalid, or require special treatment. There are lot's of things that I may not want, but it appears fairly obvious that I had better get comfortable. In order to get comfortable, I have to get uncomfortable first. Let me go on record and say that I am getting uncomfortable.
The local pharmacy professionals are treating me in a special way. They wordlessly acknowledge my condition, and offer sympathetic assistance.
The guys I hang with are all processing this in their own way. I have received some very sporty hats. Everyone wants to help. I had a young man offer to give me a lift on Saturday morning. I countered by saying that I could still drive. He pressed the issue, and I got defensive. He didn't even blink, he just said "listen, I am not asking if I can give you a ride, I'm telling you that I will pick you up at 7:15". "Don't take this service opportunity away from me". I will be ready.
My ego wants me to hide, my spirit wants me to seek. The balance is an illusion. When I am not seeking, I am hiding. I find it difficult to seek help, and look cool. The same is true when I attempt to be helpful in order to look good. Where the hell does this stuff come from? Why is it difficult to accept help, and just be gracious?
The process of writing also makes me less likely to hide. Publishing to 10's of followers makes it difficult to hide. Not because of responsibility, more out of accountability. I do not want to hide. I went off the grid Monday, and Tuesday. Treatments kicked my butt and knocked me out. This is not what I want. I'm not supposed to be vulnerable to these side effects.
The treatments are blissfully unaware of my wants, or vulnerabilities, or what I think I'm supposed to be.
I saw a friend today who reminded me that my life is Amazing!
Today's Playlist
Drive-By Truckers – Everybody Needs Love
The Shins – New Slang
One Eskimo – Amazing
Dan Fogelberg – Part Of The Plan
Hi Tim...I am still loving your posts. And you are the coolest of the cool. Those hats make my day and I know the staff at the treatment center must love your visits....they should be paying you ;-p
ReplyDeleteThanks for your example Tim...you are impacting my life as always.
btw, I just talked to "Pastor Dan". He called from California to send good wishes and express how moved he was by your openness.
See ya soon dude.
Loveyaman,
Doug