Not sure why I woke up in tears. I had a perfectly wonderful day w/ family and friends. Beth was perfect today. I was able to enjoy the gifts I have been given, and share some w/ others. I said my prayers before bed, and woke up weeping at 12:30. Not sure, Doubt, Fear, mostly self centered. Thinking about me, My family My disease My life, My powerlessness. Put on a nice appearance for those w/ a view, yet when the lights go out, where is my resolve, my determination, my serenity? Can I match my outsides to my insides? Or is that the problem, do my insides match my outsides?

 Going to see the estate lawyer on Tuesday w/ Beth. Not my finest hour. With the help of mom & others I have been getting the pieces of my puzzle into his hands over the last few weeks. Not as overwhelming a task w/ the right motivation. (Fear) He has a good deal of the info, but I need to provide some back story and context.  I hope he can bring some clarity to this aspect of my unmanageability. Started getting rid of some of the clutter. Clothing and material static needs to go. Had some chest pains Friday night, couldn’t bring myself to call 911. Didn’t have time for a trip to the ER. So much to do.

Mom & Beth & I & TJ & Kev are living blessed lives.

I appreciate & am humbled by the outpouring of support being offered. Every person has a story to share that can help me, if I am willing to listen. Not particularly open minded when the story involves a course of action which is different from the one I have chosen. I need to be more open minded, tolerant, compassionate, and kind. I just want to slap the hell out of some of the kind people offering support. How screwed up is that?

The birds are chirping, guess it’s time to put a stop to my late night ramblings. Thanks for being there.

TJH