They are carpet bombing my throat 7/30/11

   As I am feeling a little bit better, I will let you in on some insights I received just this week. The Radiation Oncologist described the first 5 weeks of radiation as carpet bombing my throat. OK I can understand that the radiation therapy may not be as exacting in the early stages, but...Carpet Bombing?

   The strategic laser guided treatments start week 5. They get much more exacting after they have thinned the forest. During the first 5 weeks the general bombarding is designed to get at the general area where the cancer was located. It also exposes the areas where the cancer is likely to return. Once the areas have been defoliated they can accurately target the danger spots. The Erbitux is a targeted antibody. They inject this chemical into my system, and it locates cancer cells. Once the cells have been located, the Erbitux attaches to the cancer cells, and self destructs. Just like tiny little suicide bombers.

Sorry for all of the references to mass destruction, but it is kinda what's going on.

   There was a guy in the office this week who looked as if his head was literally going to explode off his head like a big tomato. He was beet red and incredibly swollen. He had just come downstairs from the Erbitux(medical oncology) office. I tried not to cringe in front of him. When I saw the Doctor in the back, I asked him about Mr. Tomato Head. "Oh he's had some reaction to the Erbitux". Some reaction? My God; is that going to happen to me? "Oh no he's a week behind you on the treatment schedule". If my head had blown up to those proportions, I may have skipped a couple of treatments. I guess the side effects I am experiencing are pretty moderate.

   The professionals have been pretty good about explaining the potential side effects, and some problems to anticipate. "Your throat is going to stop working for a period of time." No problem, I've got a feeding tube, and I'm not afraid to use it. I can wrap my head around the process, and fully understand that difficulty swallowing is in my future. I have a sore throat 24hrs/day, no problem. Food doesn't taste very good anyway, no problem. I can handle it.

   Last night at 2:07am I was sound asleep, no problem. You may not be aware of it, but we swallow while we are asleep. It's kind of an involuntary normal process. No need to worry, it just happens naturally. Has been happening for 53 years, until 2:07am last night. Not being able to swallow will wake you up immediately, and freak you right out.

    The terror passes. Breathe. I swirl some Biotene, gargle a little baking soda/salt water, and finally get some water flowing down my throat. I am really amused by my lack of composure when side effects manifest themselves. The fear that gets me is temporary, and has nothing to do with my long term mortality. It has everything to do with the immediate absence of faith.

   I've got some out of town talent rolling into Phoenix this week. Kenny O'B, fresh off a one week stay on LBI is bringing his talents to The Valley. We are looking forward to him visiting, I just hope he leaves the pipes, and kilts in NJ.

4 more Erbitux infusions
21 more radiation treatments
Let's Go!
Enjoy todays musical feast!
TJH

Jimi Hendrix – All Along The Watchtower
Dan Fogelberg – Part Of The Plan
Something Corporate – I Woke Up In A Car
Social Distortion – Reach For The Sky
Chopin – Polonaise In A Flat, Op. 53, "Herioc"

Hide & Seek 7/28/11

   As the volume gets turned up on this process, I am inclined to hide. I don't want to be a service opportunity. I don't want to be invalid, or require special treatment. There are lot's of things that I may not want, but it appears fairly obvious that I had better get comfortable. In order to get comfortable, I have to get uncomfortable first. Let me go on record and say that I am getting uncomfortable.

   The local pharmacy professionals are treating me in a special way. They wordlessly acknowledge my condition, and offer sympathetic assistance.

   The guys I hang with are all processing this in their own way. I have received some very sporty hats. Everyone wants to help. I had a young man offer to give me a lift on Saturday morning. I countered by saying that I could still drive. He pressed the issue, and I got defensive. He didn't even blink, he just said "listen, I am not asking if I can give you a ride, I'm telling you that I will pick you up at 7:15". "Don't take this service opportunity away from me". I will be ready.

   My ego wants me to hide, my spirit wants me to seek. The balance is an illusion. When I am not seeking, I am hiding. I find it difficult to seek help, and look cool. The same is true when I attempt to be helpful in order to look good. Where the hell does this stuff come from? Why is it difficult to accept help, and just be gracious?

   The process of writing also makes me less likely to hide. Publishing to 10's of followers makes it difficult to hide. Not because of responsibility, more out of accountability. I do not want to hide. I went off the grid Monday, and Tuesday. Treatments kicked my butt and knocked me out. This is not what I want. I'm not supposed to be vulnerable to these side effects.

   The treatments are blissfully unaware of my wants, or vulnerabilities, or what I think I'm supposed to be.

   I saw a friend today who reminded me that my life is Amazing!

Today's Playlist
Drive-By Truckers – Everybody Needs Love
The Shins – New Slang
One Eskimo – Amazing
Dan Fogelberg – Part Of The Plan

Radiator Problems 7/27/11

   I must admit that going into Mondays treatment, I had a degree of optimism that may have been unwarranted. The truth is that after the treatments were done with me on Monday, I couldn't honestly say how I felt. I was nonverbal, and barely ambulatory. Monosyllabic me.

   I slept for what seemed like days, and woke up Tuesday feeling like doing just about anything but going to treatment, or the 2 subsequent Doctors appointments at 10(Medical Onc), and 11:30(ENT Surgeon). The stars were aligned, the radiator  fryed an electron motherboard. I hope a sink hole takes the whole facility, while I'm in the parking lot in one of my goofy f...ing floppy hats, drinking an Ensure.

   The Doctors appointments went well, everyone thinks I look great(don't worry about the face rash, or the chest blisters, it's normal) They are happy with my bloodwork, weight, and most importantly my prognosis. They both cited some examples where things went very badly, and how this doesn't appear to be my trajectory. The Radiation Oncologist called later in the afternoon to personally assure me that my radiation therapy would be made up with a couple of sessions on the same day. What? We will radiate you twice in one day six hours between sessions. What? Oh yea, no problem we will surely get plenty of radiation into your throat, don't worry. Thank's for calling.

   Bottom line, I called to find out if I could get my mask and mouthpiece, and bring them to another office for treatment. I know this is the right coarse of action. The Varian radiation oncology delivery system was repaired overnight, and kicked out a ton of radiation this morning.

   I haven't done a great job of returning phone calls, texts, or e-mails over the past few weeks. I'm not sure that this will improve in the near future. I will do my best. Know that Beth & I appreciate the continued prayers, and support.

   I feel pretty good this morning, getting ready for Stephen to pick me up, and deliver me to the Radiator. I hope he brings some food for the food drive.
Enjoy the Day!
TJH

Todays playlist:Jackson Browne – The Fuse
Tom Waits – Hold On
Patty Griffin & Willie Nelson – Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground - Live
Squeeze – Another Nail in My Heart

Shocking News!! 7/23/11

   I love my life. I have had some seemingly difficult challenges present themselves, but I really love my life. I had a solid week of treatment. They got their money's worth out of me this week. Face peels are over rated. Nausea is a side effect that that will not be overlooked. Fine dining is off the menu(everything tastes like rebar).

   The canned food drive at the oncologist office gets a huge bump when clients use multiple drivers. Rodney started the ball rolling by dropping off a couple of boxes from Sam's Club. They also are making a better effort at the front desk to inform the  clients in the waiting room. Most people want to be helpful. Most people are very charitable. People who are sick, and undergoing treatment have a clear choice to be selfish, or selfless. It's black, and white in your face all the time. Am I going to give, or take? The truth is not always easy to examine. I happened to be shopping subsequent to my treatment, and had to ask myself, "Do I really want to carry an extra box of canned goods out of here?" I carried the extra box, but I can't say that didn't think about being selfish. I've got an excuse...I'm sick...Waaa! F that where's my cart?

   Amy Winehouse is dead. Can't say we didn't see that one coming. A first round pick in any death pool. It's sad to see any life cut short. Clearly talented, and tortured. She got down like a narcotic. It's not as sad when the decedent is fully aware that the outcome, while unfortunate, is predictable, and voluntary. She was not a victim, she was a volunteer. "Help the willing; Let go of the unwilling; and Bury the dead." She was clearly powerless, but refused or was unable to surrender. Not bad luck, not circumstances. "She cheated herself, like she knew she would."
I really enjoyed her art.
Sing Along! Tried to make me go to rehab, I said No!No!No!
TJH

Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse – Valerie - Version Revisited
Amy Winehouse – You Know I'm No Good
Amy Winehouse – Tears Dry On Their Own
Amy Winehouse – Rehab

I think I'm Spittin' Spackle 7/22/11

   I now carry anti-nausea medicine with me at all times. I should probably keep it w/ my Nitro. Not going to let that dog bite me again if it can be avoided. Had some tube cloggage this morning. It took a little extra bump on the plunger to discharge the blockage. I got some kind of sick satisfaction out of clearing the line without having to rely on power tools.
 
   Speaking of home improvement, I'm quite confident that they could use my saliva to spackle, and caulk a small addition. My goodness the things that I spent years taking for granted now have a new significance. Apparently salivary glands are more useful than spit. They circulate 2 liters of fluid per day Not sure how I was able to overlook them for so long, but not anymore. I like my salivary glands, and I hope that they are restored to working order when these treatments are completed. For now I will just savor the various moments that my taste buds, and salivary glands function.

   It remains difficult for me to express my gratitude for all the prayers, and support. I want to specifically thank all 8 of you followers of my blog. That is truly a groundswell of inspiration. Knowing that all 8 of you are out there is pretty hilarious. I of course understand the hundreds, dare I say thousands of anonymous viewers. You people sitting at home after a long day, maybe enjoying a glass of Merlot, unwinding to the lilting of my prose, enjoying the benefit of my musical pallet, and laughing your asses off at the recount of my foibles.  I do not have a Facebook page, but I follow along while hiding behind Beth's skirt. I understand; that doesn't make it right. Sign your stuff up right now, or when the fit hits the shan, I may direct my insanity your way.

   Current high bid on the Radiation Face Mask....Wait for it...$30. I was under the impression that the bid was actually $300, but I was wrong.

   I love you guys,
   Let's Dance! (or at least walk with purpose)!
TJH

The Filmscore Orchestra – The River Kwai March - Bridge Over The River Kwai
The Mills Brothers – Glow Worm
Alison Krauss – When You Say Nothing At All
The Avett Brothers – Kick Drum Heart
Bad Religion – Sorrow

Side Effects Sneakin' In 7/21/11

   They warned me that there could be some side effects associated with the treatment protocol. They warned me against reading too much about the potential side effects. They cautioned me to not get alarmed if some side effects occur.

   They did not advise me of how to properly secure my feeding tube while launching my Ensure. That little apparatus just kept wanting to jump into the commode. It's too short to throw over my shoulder. What is the proper procedure for cleansing a feeding tube that has been contaminated. My life is a carnival. You can't make this stuff up. I've got to Purell the feeding tubes external apparatus, and re-flush the internal hosiery.

   Now I was told to expect some skin irritation similar to acne. My scalp irritation goes so well with the neurological damage, like thunder and lightning. I have what must be similar to a facial peel happening on my face. It doesn't look too bad, but it is dryed and feels burnt.

   I could really go for a slice from Jimmy & Joes, but I'm heating up the ORGANIC vegetable soup. I wonder if there are side effects associated with making drastic changes to a life of suzie q's, and burgers. Probably causes nausea, and skin irritation. I feel like I am dropping my dietary transmission.

   Doug took me to treatment this morning, we had to take a timeout before we even got in the car. I wasn't such a hot date today. I'll try to do better next week. Frank picks me up tomorrow morning for my final treatment of the week. I'm looking forward to finishing up the second week of seven.

   Enjoy the music!
TJH
The Waterboys – The Whole Of The Moon,
– Bob Marley - Three little birds,
– Thin Lizzy - The Cowboy Song,
Bobby Darin – Mack The Knife,
The Band – Life Is A Carnival (Live)

I double booked my backup drivers 7/20/11

   Last week my Wednesday driver let me know he was going to Cali for some time off. He asked if I could find a replacement driver. Can I find a substitute? Of course, no problem, enjoy the beach. Called my buddy Rodney, and asked if he could be my driver. We worked out the details, and were all set. Yesterday Beth reminded me that my driver was out of town, I suggested that she may have the wrong week. She was right and I had a temporary sense of panic. I called Bart and asked him if he could provide transportation, of course he would.

   This morning I gathered my nerve, and prepared for treatment. Floppy hat, sunscreen, gargle, fluoride, floss, Ensure, flush, I really have this system down. At exactly 8:45am I open the garage door to find Rodney, and Bart having a chat. What a nice surprise, what are you doing this morning? Oh you don't say...I certainly remember now that you mention it. Sorry to my friend Bart, I inconvenienced him unnecessarily. So much for having this system down.

   The people at the radiation oncology facility are delighted by the fresh faces each week. Today Rodney snapped some action photos of Sabrina, and Todd, buckling my facemask. I think he also volunteered to support the food drive at the office. As I finished and was getting ready to leave he was snapping pictures of Amanda, and Megan at the front desk. This is a full contact process, and I have the exact type of support that is required. I think Rodney is looking at purchasing some stock in the camera manufacturer, and drug maker. Rodney suggested a 10am showing of Horrible Bosses, and that was just the perfect supplement to my treatment. The film was funny, the company was great, and the popcorn was a little metallic, but comforting. Thanks Rodney.
 
   Todays playlist: Funk #49 by Joe Walsh w/ The James GangThe James Gang – Funk #49                         Passionate Kisses by Mary Chapin CarpenterMary Chapin Carpenter – Passionate Kisses I've seen All Good People by YesYes – I've Seen All Good People: a. Your Move, b. All Good People, Jealous Guy by John Lennon,John Lennon – Jealous Guy